Marital Advice

As Lori and my 29th wedding anniversary approaches, I have been reflecting a lot about our marriage and marriage in general. Not that I have the answers to the mysteries of being happily married (maybe it is just about staying married), but after 29 years, I have learned a few things that I want to share. When people ask me how long I have been married, I usually make a joke out of it and say, "Lori and I have been happily married for 20 years...29 total, but only 20 were really good." It is meant to get a laugh, but there is always some truth to joking. We have worked at staying married, and we will both admit that it was difficult, and still is.

I was reading a new Vince Flynn paperback, and I really loved his acknowledgements. He started out by saying that one of his goals as a person and author was to only have "ones" in his life...one editor, one publisher, etc. I am going to invoke that rule as well as it pertains to marriage. I want to only have one wife in my life. I shouldn't need another. I am not calling any of my divorced friends or family out, because I know that sometimes divorce is necessary and justified, I am just saying that it is a pretty good rule to have...as long as you are able to follow it. You have to be stubborn about sticking to the rule. I'm lucky that Lori has been stubbornly following this rule. I've said stupid things to her that she let roll off her back because of this.

First of all, I think the words, "mutual reverence" are key. "Respect" isn't enough. If I didn't revere Lori for who she is and what she does, staying married would be impossible. And it goes without saying that the same holds true for her. (But I just said it...not sure what that saying means..."it goes without saying", if we have to actually say it.) If one partner doesn't revere the other, that marriage is doomed to fail.

Second big thing I've learned is that neither of us can remember what much of our arguing was about all those years ago. Arguments are never worth remembering. They are moments where our stubborn selves get in the way of our reasonable selves and we say things we don't mean and regret them later. If you can remember with bitterness all of your arguments, you probably have a personality disorder that should be taken care of. It is just stupid stuff that doesn't have any bearing on your life together. It seems like the real issues that break relationships up are hardly talked about...or argued about; they are done in secret.

Thirdly, family ties run deep, but they shouldn't run as deep as your ties to your spouse and children. Oh, now I remember that many of those arguments between us were about our respective families...usually around the holidays. But, if you consider what is best for your wife and kids, you will make the right decision. It won't help to put your relatives in between you and your spouse.

Fourthly, money is the other main arguing point that comes up frequently in my relationship with Lori. It has taken us a while to figure out that arguing about money never helps. Being open about our concerns, fears, and worries  to each other does help.

Coming in fifth is that you have to know that love changes over time. There are reasons for why you love someone that never change, and there are some that do change. The ones that change usually have to do with physical attraction and...sex. There, I've said it. Focus on the things that don't change, and work on the ones that do.

I make it sound as if following these 5 thoughts will lead to a happily married life. If it were that simple, I would have my own talk show. The word that should have come up first is "faithfulness." I put it last because I want to make a point. Our God is a jealous god, and deserves our faithfulness.  If you both are faithful to God first, and then each other, He will help you work through the other 5.

In fact, if you think about it, these 5 points actually help in your relationship to God as well. It is not just coincidence that I have been in a relationship with God for 32 years. "One" God, reverence for Him, no secrets, don't put people between you and Him, be open to Him about your finances, and your reasons for loving Him will grow and change...these tenets have helped me stay faithful. I hope these help you, too!

Chow!