I saw the best quote from a recent visitor to the US upon his return to Kenya. When asked about the most amazing thing he experienced in the US, he answered...
"American children have the most well-behaved parents in the world."
I read this in our local newspaper this morning and had a good chuckle about it. But after thinking about it, it makes me wonder about our future generations. Are we indulging our children just a little too much? Mom's chauffeur service is now 24/7, and is just a cellphone call away.
My teenage kids favorite show lately is MTV's "Super Sweet 16 Birthday Bash". It is entertaining for them to see the excessive behavior at its best (or is that worst?). Encouraging bratty behavior, whining, self-indulging, and selfishness may not be good to watch. I think the girls who get these kinds of birthday parties end up on WE's "Bridezilla" show at some later point in life. Parents just haven't said "no" enough to their children. They have gotten zero teaching on what is reasonable, how to share, how to play nicely, and in general, how to respect others.
My daughter just turned 16 yesterday, and thank goodness she has had a pretty reasonable upbringing. Even though we indulge her (she has a car available to drive, cell phone, i-Pod, etc.), she feels guilty asking for things. Whew! Big sigh of relief...in that department. But still, she is immune to real hardship, hard work, and disappointment. She has a part time job delivering newspapers in the neighborhood...but she does it while being driven around by her mom! No bike route or, heaven forbid, walking!
I think we have mistaken that for good parenting. Successful child-rearing has become what that African visitor has noticed...kids reliant on their parents to keep them from enduring any amount of disappointment and sacrifice. We say we want "the best" for our kids, so we help them be successful, getting involved where we shouldn't and shielding them from failure. We forget that hard work leads to discipline, satisfaction, and self-respect. Sacrifice leads to patience, commitment and joy. When handled properly, disappointment can lead to learning, determination, and accomplishment. What do kids learn when disappointment is avoided and success is given to them? They learn entitlement, and to expect success at everything. That isn't part of growing up.
Okay, parents, try to pull yourself out of that role of over-involved and protective. It worked on you, and look how well you turned out!
Ciao!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Happy Birthday, Mom!!
There has been plenty of blog space given to my Dad, I guess I have neglected to talk about the woman behind the man. My Mom celebrates a birthday tomorrow. I want to devote an entry to the amazing talents that she has, and to celebrate her life with you all. I am a little biased, but I actually truly believe that Mom is the best. I will tell the tale, and let you decide for yourself.
I don't remember ever having any typical "Generation Gap" issues with her. Well maybe I do remember one...it has to do with horrible elephant print pants that she bought for me during "back to school" shopping before the start of 6th grade. I wouldn't be caught dead in them, but she insisted...I never did wear them. I could classify that as a power struggle, not a lack of her understanding me. Maybe my sisters could enlighten us all to more generation gap issues, but really, I can't remember any knockdown, drag-outs about much. Mom was always a good listener, she gave me plenty of rope to explore the world, my feelings, experiences, and emotions. She never tried to shield me or protect me from the world's disappointments. I know now that she actually struggled within herself as to whether to let us know how torn she was internally, but I always felt she encouraged us to grow, develop and become independent, responsible adults.
Even now, I am going to say she is the best mother-in-law my wife can have. She has never interfered with how our kids are raised, she has never questioned our judgment as parents, and so on. Mom has basically kept her nose out of our marriage and child-rearing. Never offered unsolicited advice, ever. I don't know how she does it! Well, maybe I do know how she does it...she just treats my wife and the other "in-laws" like her own kids (sometimes better than her own).
I learned to cook by watching and helping her in the kitchen from the time I was about 10 years old. She always had time to answer my questions and let me try things in the kitchen. I still remember the first thing she ever let me cook by myself...fried rice. And she announced it loudly at the dinner table that night. She has always been my #1 fan as well. I don't know anyone who raves about my cooking more than Mom. Who doesn't love positive reinforcement? Now when I cook the favorite dishes from my childhood, I do it from memory...pleasant ones from my childhood. I have memorized those aromas, flavors and textures. I don't do it exactly like her, because I have my own experiences to add into the mix. I do regret not passing on this love of cooking to my kids. I am hoping that maybe that passion kicks in late. Mom is an excellent cook of so many things, I always wonder why she did such a hack job with Thanksgiving? I think it was because she tried to do it in the classical Pilgrim style...start the Turkey at the crack of dawn and cook it all day. She forgets that modern ovens do a better job than colonial ones.
Mom is talented as a musician, writer, and family historian. She is chronicling memories that she and my Dad have for future generations. When you compare her education and accomplishments with her younger brothers and sisters, it doesn't look fair. All of my uncles are all brilliant scientists responsible for huge advances in research, my aunt is a leading authority on early childhood development. They even married brilliant scientists and researchers. Masters degrees and PhD's could cover part of the Great Wall in sheepskins. I love all my Aunts and Uncles dearly, but I hate how Chinese families like to compare these types of accomplishments, because my Mom and Dad seem to come up with the short end of the stick. But I gotta tell you I think the wrong measure of success is used. Maybe it should be measured in grandchildren and great grandchildren; in miles traveled, friendships developed, and the sound of laughter in the home because then all of them are successful...but with MY Mom and Dad coming out on top!
Everyone knows by now that we didn't have a normal upbringing. We lived all over the world, and my brother and I spent many of our formative teen years in boarding schools away from home. So I don't have many memories of her getting up early to make us pancakes for breakfast, or screaming for us in the stands as we played sports. But I don't see those as being that important. I always felt loved, supported and that I was getting the best of everything that Mom and Dad could afford. I have never felt cheated or minimalized in any way. Maybe that is why I have no issues with my childhood and upbringing. Maybe that is all my kids need from me.
(Duke, don't forget it is Mom's birthday tomorrow!!!)
Happy Birthday, Mom!
Chow!
I don't remember ever having any typical "Generation Gap" issues with her. Well maybe I do remember one...it has to do with horrible elephant print pants that she bought for me during "back to school" shopping before the start of 6th grade. I wouldn't be caught dead in them, but she insisted...I never did wear them. I could classify that as a power struggle, not a lack of her understanding me. Maybe my sisters could enlighten us all to more generation gap issues, but really, I can't remember any knockdown, drag-outs about much. Mom was always a good listener, she gave me plenty of rope to explore the world, my feelings, experiences, and emotions. She never tried to shield me or protect me from the world's disappointments. I know now that she actually struggled within herself as to whether to let us know how torn she was internally, but I always felt she encouraged us to grow, develop and become independent, responsible adults.
Even now, I am going to say she is the best mother-in-law my wife can have. She has never interfered with how our kids are raised, she has never questioned our judgment as parents, and so on. Mom has basically kept her nose out of our marriage and child-rearing. Never offered unsolicited advice, ever. I don't know how she does it! Well, maybe I do know how she does it...she just treats my wife and the other "in-laws" like her own kids (sometimes better than her own).
I learned to cook by watching and helping her in the kitchen from the time I was about 10 years old. She always had time to answer my questions and let me try things in the kitchen. I still remember the first thing she ever let me cook by myself...fried rice. And she announced it loudly at the dinner table that night. She has always been my #1 fan as well. I don't know anyone who raves about my cooking more than Mom. Who doesn't love positive reinforcement? Now when I cook the favorite dishes from my childhood, I do it from memory...pleasant ones from my childhood. I have memorized those aromas, flavors and textures. I don't do it exactly like her, because I have my own experiences to add into the mix. I do regret not passing on this love of cooking to my kids. I am hoping that maybe that passion kicks in late. Mom is an excellent cook of so many things, I always wonder why she did such a hack job with Thanksgiving? I think it was because she tried to do it in the classical Pilgrim style...start the Turkey at the crack of dawn and cook it all day. She forgets that modern ovens do a better job than colonial ones.
Mom is talented as a musician, writer, and family historian. She is chronicling memories that she and my Dad have for future generations. When you compare her education and accomplishments with her younger brothers and sisters, it doesn't look fair. All of my uncles are all brilliant scientists responsible for huge advances in research, my aunt is a leading authority on early childhood development. They even married brilliant scientists and researchers. Masters degrees and PhD's could cover part of the Great Wall in sheepskins. I love all my Aunts and Uncles dearly, but I hate how Chinese families like to compare these types of accomplishments, because my Mom and Dad seem to come up with the short end of the stick. But I gotta tell you I think the wrong measure of success is used. Maybe it should be measured in grandchildren and great grandchildren; in miles traveled, friendships developed, and the sound of laughter in the home because then all of them are successful...but with MY Mom and Dad coming out on top!
Everyone knows by now that we didn't have a normal upbringing. We lived all over the world, and my brother and I spent many of our formative teen years in boarding schools away from home. So I don't have many memories of her getting up early to make us pancakes for breakfast, or screaming for us in the stands as we played sports. But I don't see those as being that important. I always felt loved, supported and that I was getting the best of everything that Mom and Dad could afford. I have never felt cheated or minimalized in any way. Maybe that is why I have no issues with my childhood and upbringing. Maybe that is all my kids need from me.
(Duke, don't forget it is Mom's birthday tomorrow!!!)
Happy Birthday, Mom!
Chow!
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