The Emptying Nest

I am experiencing yet another milestone in my life…my youngest, my baby girl now has a real “grown-up” job (as she describes it). She was having doubts about her life, the direction she had chosen, and came to Lori and me for advice over Christmas break. As a junior at the local university, she felt (and we agreed) that she should have an idea of her future career. She didn’t have any idea and that thought panicked her a little. She had doubts about her major and where that was leading. She didn’t feel passionate about anything besides marching band, and realized there are limitations to making a living in a marching band. We didn’t resolve these issues for her easily or quickly. We had many sessions, discussions, emails and phone calls.  Sometimes those sessions were calm, quiet, pensive, and other sessions were agitated, emotional, and painful. But in the end she had a plan that she could execute, and that calmed her heart a lot.

Our first piece of advice was to drop out of the University while she figured things out. This was purely an economic move as she was costing us over a grand a month pursuing a degree that she didn’t want. She felt she wanted to work in the food industry somehow, so I encouraged her to get a full time job in the food industry to see if it was a real attraction for her. She could earn some dough and at the same time “interview” the industry. The other option was to get a job in the pool servicing industry. This is her other passion. She loves working on pool equipment. She has a natural knack for the mechanics, and she can keep a pool sparkling. Find a job with a pool company and decide later on your future was my advice. Part 1 of her plan: find a full time job to pay her bills.

I had always thought she had the food gene, though. Her interests were always in what cool things I was working on. She loved coming to my office when she was younger. She loved the smells that come from the production of food and beverage products, and she has a very discerning sense of smell and taste. As a young child her keen sense of smell always amazed me. She could smell things and describe them to me. That is an innate skill with her. And she loves food. Why not let it make some money for her? If she enjoys the work, she can always go back to school for a degree in food science, chemical engineering, or microbiology. But those degrees are so far from the music degree she had started on. She would have a ton of catch-up coursework to do in the basic sciences. So part 2 of her plan: get her leveling coursework done at a community college. This almost killed her. She felt it was humiliating to drop out of the prestigious university and attend the local community college. We told her it is so different now, but after talking it over with friends she trusts (not us); she got over that pretty quickly.

I am proud of her for developing a realistic, sensible plan and then executing it. She applied for food industry jobs through connections I had and landed one. She will be a customer service representative at a small food ingredients broker. She will have to work two sides of the value chain. Their principals expect new sales opportunities for their ingredients, and the end customers expect full service sales and technical support for the dozens of companies they represent. She will learn a ton about the industry and the language used in it. I hope she sticks with it. The opportunities will be there if she does a good job. 

Her plan will always require “tweaking”, but the main parts will always give her something to work from. Maybe one of my progeny will follow me down the path of developing innovative food and beverage products for an industry that has been very, very good to me. After 3 days of her new job, I am swelling with pride.

Chow!

Happy Mother's Day!

Last year for Mother's Day I posted a tribute to my mom, but this year it is a tribute to my lovely wife of almost 29 years and the mother of our two amazing kids...Lori. How do I describe the type of mom she is? A fierce lioness or mother Grizzly bear defending her cubs against a threat comes to mind. She can also be a "Helicopter Mom" hovering above her children to make sure everything goes just so. She can pose as that secret stalker, going through Facebook looking for posts, updates and photos of her kids, wondering what kind of friends they have and worrying about their behavior. She worries because she cares deeply. Her children are THE most important aspect to her life. She isn't happy unless her kids are happy, she isn't satisfied until they are, and she won't sleep if they can't.

Her life revolves around the kids. I promised not to tell stories about her ferocity or enabling behavior, so this won't be a typical blog post from me. Straight tribute...no fun.

I always knew my mom loved me, but I wouldn't call my mom a "Helicopter Mom" type. My mom cared for us, raised us, loved us, but easily let us grow up and move out of the house. I think Lori would be happier if our kids lived with us forever...sure, bring an in-law or two along as well. She's like her dad in that respect. He just likes his family around him, and Lori has taken on that trait.

Nothing is too good for her kids, and she would sacrifice if they really asked for something. I make her sound extreme, but from my perspective, she can be. But the real test to motherhood is to see how the children have grown. Our kids are amazing. People tell us all the time that we did a good job of raising them. They are respectful, smart, and best of all, they don't take things for granted. They may be a little spoiled, but all in all, the two are ideal.

Lori gets the majority of that credit. I might have wanted to be a little tougher on them, but she knew the right amount of coddling to give the kids. I may have moved them around a lot growing up, but Lori always found a way to make it a learning adventure. She planned it so they would enter a new school before the end of the year so they had chances to make friends for the summer. A mom thinks about things like that. And I think my kids are better for it. When they fussed in anger, she took it squarely on the chin. She never cried in front of them, but in the privacy of our room she would cry her eyes out for her kids. They never knew how much they could hurt her feelings. But a mom takes that, and doesn't return that anger. She was always supportive, listened and let them vent angrily. I'm less accepting of that behavior and could show a little anger. But instinctively she knew not to react to their anger. Maybe only good moms know that.

In the animal world, a mother feeds, raises and teaches her baby to be self reliant, and then releases them to a cruel world. But most babies don't make it to maturity in the animal kingdom. They become food for a hungry predator. In the human world, a mom's investment in her offspring doesn't end at physical maturity. It continues through successful adulthood and then progeny. A good human mom knows she's done when her well-adjusted kids give her super grandkids.

Lori is the best human mom that I know. I may be biased because I married her, but even if I look objectively at the results, I don't know who can compare. She isn't a grandma yet, but she is patiently waiting for a chance to be that proud one. Then maybe she will relax, park the helicopter, and revert back to being my wife again.

Chow!

Family Traditions

The wife and I were discussing how our kids are growing up, getting on with their lives, etc. Then she sighed a big sigh. "I wish we could go back in time and do things differently." she said. I replied, "What would you change?" She thinks we don't have any real family traditions. She sees her kids going to their significant others' family events and having fun. Melanie's boyfriend's family has a monthly dinner on a Sunday, where everyone shows up, plays games, eats dinner and hangs out. Jeff's girlfriend's family has a second home on the Colorado River in Arizona where they go on the weekends. Lori grew up much the same way...every Sunday meant a family supper at the grandparents house, and every summer meant summer camp and renting a cabin on the lake. I grew up differently. We never went to summer camps, we didn't bbq much, we didn't go on ski trips, and if it involved extended family, we usually just ate together.

I think it is the same for most Chinese families like mine. If you stayed in China, it meant you probably lived on a farm with generations of farming history. You have your extended family close because it was the family business...you were all farmers. If you fled China during the revolution, your life was never going to be the same. Your extended family was probably in a few different countries. Sharing your life together was impractical and nearly impossible. So you try to adopt the traditions of your new home. In our case, that was the US. For my aunt, that was Indonesia, and so on. There was no homeland anymore. Find new traditions. We moved around so much and lived in so many foreign countries that I thought that was the tradition...3 years here, 2 here, and move. Make new friends, and move again. Get settled in high school, and then move.

As I matured and met my wife, that life was foisted on her. We moved a lot in our time together. It was our family tradition. Get a new job, and move. Buy a new house, and move. Lose a job, move again. Is it creating regrets as I get older? I don't think so. I think my kids are able to adapt to new situations pretty quickly. I think they are able to make friends anywhere. I think they have learned a variety of things about US history and culture. They have seen and done a lot of things their friends have not. They have experiences that stretched their minds and enriched their lives. Do I ever wish we had strong family traditions? Sometimes. Do I regret submitting them to that lifestyle? Never.

Maybe after Melanie gets married, her spouse will have an affect on their family traditions. I hope so. But she will be able to bring her life of experiences with her to that new family. A love for the Kentucky Derby for one...what it was like to climb the Great Wall of China and eat strange foods; that will be another thing she can share with her new extended family. Jeff can tell of the time he was able to see his beloved Philadelphia Eagles play live at Cowboy Stadium, and how they beat my Cowboys that day. Or how he got to bargain with street vendors in Shanghai for his cool souvenirs. For sure both my kids have eaten more weird foods than most people would dream about. They have traveled to more countries, and experienced more culture than many of their friends.

I think the Wu family tradition is not to have any traditions...well, maybe my Thanksgiving cooking, St. Patrick's Day Corned Beef, and pan-fried noodles might be considered lesser traditions, but in the big picture, our tradition is to take life as it comes and make it an adventure. It has been unpredictable, and I like it that way.

Chow!